Welcome to Words to the Wise, where I use my years of experience to address YOUR relationship questions and concerns. If you have any questions you need answered, feel free to send me a message with the subject “Words to the Wise” through my contact page. If you’re seeking long-term coaching, set up a discovery call to find out your next steps.
Q: Are the “36 Questions to Fall in Love” legitimate, effective or even advisable?
A: The “36 Questions to Fall in Love” are a classic example of the media distorting the information that the original study presents. As the study and the scientists explain, the questions themselves aren’t a magic way to produce romance, but the idea of a back-and-forth conversation that reveals more about each person’s personality, hopes, and dreams are what makes people close. As long as you are asking questions that probe into the other person, the specific questions and number of questions suggested by the study are not a rigid format to follow but just suggestions. There’s also no guarantee that these questions will actually produce romantic feelings or love, but they suggest an increased closeness as friends with the other person. Of course, you can use this method to form a close friendship that can then be used to form a romantic relationship, but the questions on their own have only been suggested to produce increased feelings of friendship.
Q: What do you think of the idea that one person in a couple is always a reacher and one is always a settler? What if I’m the settler?
A: In a relationship there’s always interdependence between two people. One is always relying on the other and vice-versa; that is the basis of relationships. Now, when it comes to the idea of a reacher and settler, while a person may be settling, the other person is still fulfilling a need that the settler can’t fulfill without the reacher. This is also true the other way around where the reacher is getting some need satisfied by the settler. Perhaps there is a sense sometimes that one person is trying more than the other, but the very basis of relationships dictate that the two are interdependent and there is more to the dynamic than just one person reaching and one person settling. If you feel you are settling, really think about your relationship and what need the other person is fulfilling in your life. If the other person is fulfilling an important need, then perhaps you aren’t actually settling when you look at it from that perspective.
Q: Can I convince my boyfriend to go vegetarian? It makes me really uncomfortable to see him eat meat. It’s one of my core values, but is it really fair for me to ask him to stop?
A: It’s unfair to ask your boyfriend to stop eating meat outright as it isn’t directly infringing on you. Consider it from his perspective and how it’d make him feel if you directly asked him to stop eating what he loved. That being said, relationships are founded on compromise, so if it makes you feel uncomfortable seeing him eat meat, perhaps ask him to not eat meat around you or to decrease the amount he eats. Conversation and discussion about the topic can lead to a compromise that you are both happy and comfortable with and a discussion that could potentially strengthen your relationship.
Q: I’m 53 years old, and I’ve been with my partner for three years. I feel ready for marriage, but she’s been acting distant lately. Work has picked up for her, and it’s the only thing she focuses on. When I try to plan things to do together, she tells me she’s tired or too busy. I love her, and I want to plan a future together, but she’s just so distracted from our relationship. How can we get on the same page?
A: This is one of those situations where you need to have a face-to-face sit-down talk and communicate your feelings to her. Explain to her how you’ve been feeling and that you need more interaction and time with her. Remind her that it’s okay to take a break from work to relax and spend time with you, as that will also help her stay sane in her hectic work life. Then, if she really is just busy and focused on work, try to work out a compromise. Potentially agreeing that at certain times she has to work and at other times she needs to step back from work and focus on your relationship may help you get on the same page and reach a place where you both are happy with your relationship.
Q: My husband had an affair. We went to couple’s therapy, but it only provided short-term solutions that did nothing to help our long-term problems. We’ve lost our spark, and I just can’t fully trust him again. We’re pretty much leading separate lives under one roof. Is it time to give up on the relationship?
A: If you’ve tried going to couple’s therapy and have made every effort in communicating with him and discussing the major issues in your relationship and his infidelity, then perhaps it may be time to give up on the relationship. The important part, however, is making sure you have made the effort in engaging each other in open communication. Try discussing what the underlying reasons for his infidelity were and try to address those, while also having him address the issues that you have in the relationship, such as the lack of trust and any other misgivings or problems you may have. If you have made the effort and it still isn’t working, then you should be able to safely leave the relationship without any guilt on your conscience. You tried to make it work and you discovered that either because of him or the situation, it couldn’t work, and that is a fair reason to move on from the relationship.
Q: My marriage of 21 years recently ended. He was my first and only relationship, so I don’t have a lot of dating experience. Even though I feel ready, I wouldn’t even know where to start. Dating has really changed since we got together. How do I start dating again, and is it even possible for me to find love after my divorce?
A: Of course it’s possible for you to find love again! It just may take some time and effort on your part. Dating has changed with the introduction of online dating, but the underlying basics have not changed. Put yourself out there! Approach local community social events, try your hand at online dating, and reach out to your friends for any recommendations. Most importantly when it comes to dating, just be yourself and things will work out. Remember that just because your relationship ended does not mean that your romantic life has to end!
Q: I grew up in a conservative Catholic family where marriage is treated as sacred, but I’ve been having marital problems. We fight every day, and when we’re not fighting, we barely speak. He travels for work all the time, and honestly, it’s a relief when he’s not around. I’m ready to file for divorce, but I’m afraid of my family’s reaction. How do I tell them?
A: The best course of action is to approach your family in a straightforward manner ,as there isn’t a way that you can hide it from them, and prolonging the marriage will only hurt you. They are your family and should be willing to put aside that issue for the sake of your happiness. An option that you can do to keep your conservative Catholic family happy, however, is to apply for an annulment through the Catholic Church, in addition to getting divorced legally. Annulments can be considered by the Church for many reasons, and most dioceses are welcoming and considerate when it comes to annulling a marriage, but there can be a financial cost. The Church is moving towards accepting divorce more and more and Pope Francis has expressed support and understanding for those who are divorced, which is a fact you may use to quell your family’s complaints and fears. Overall, though, remember that this is your life, and if you are unhappy with your relationship, you should leave the marriage in order to preserve your happiness, and don’t let anyone try to impede you.
Q: I’ve only ever met people through friends or chance encounters, but I’m 49 years old and haven’t dated in three years. All of my friends online date—one of them even met her husband on a dating app—but I’m still unsure. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories! Should I try it out, or is it a complete waste of my time?
A: Online dating can be a pretty scary prospect, but don’t let that deter you! There are a few things you can do to make the experience generally better. For example, make sure you have a solid conversation before agreeing to meet with someone. It can be really helpful to talk to someone for a day or two online before meeting with them as it’ll help you calm your fears, while also getting a better feel on if this person is someone you actually want to meet. Another good idea would be to ask your friends who have gone through online dating for help or for their experiences; don’t be embarrassed to reach out! If you don’t feel comfortable using online dating still, check your local community for fun social events, as there’s been a rise in many local communities in having social events that are geared towards meeting new people, and these can be very helpful. Most importantly, don’t give up and keep putting yourself out there!
Q: I’m 52 years old, and I’m dating someone eight years older than me. He told me he had a nine-year-old daughter, and I wasn’t concerned, but now we’re getting serious and he wants me to meet her. Even though I’ve always been good with kids, I’m nervous to meet his. What if she doesn’t like me and it ruins our relationship? I just need some advice.
A: Meeting your significant other’s child can be a daunting situation, but don’t let it overwhelm you or freak you out! Their child is most likely as nervous or confused as you are about the situation, as they are meeting someone who may become a large part of their family and life. When meeting his daughter, be calm and try not to talk down to her as a child. Treat her how you would treat any other younger member of your family, with kindness, friendliness, and respect. A good idea would be to consider having an outing with him and his daughter to get to know her in a more fun and casual setting! Even if she doesn’t like you on first meeting, don’t let that deter you, and keep interacting with her and trying to connect with her. She will come around.
Q: I’m a 56-year-old woman, and I’ve been seeing someone casually for about 3 months. I want to make the relationship official, but I’m also happy with the way that it’s been going. Keeping it casual keeps the pressure off. My last relationship ended poorly, so I guess maybe I’m afraid to commit to someone again. What should I do?
A: Committing to someone after recovering from a rough previous relationship is always a difficult task. You feel as though you may not be able to trust or love someone in the same way for a long time, and that may lead you to build walls around your life. That being said, you can’t let the ghost of your previous relationship dominate your life and limit a relationship that you enjoy. By wanting to make it official, you demonstrate that you want to move on from your previous relationship and embrace a new chapter of your life, so the best advice I can give you is to just go for it! Ease yourself into it if you have to and perhaps consider having a conversation with your significant other about your concerns and how you want to ease into an official relationship. Take it slow but don’t let the past relationship hold you back!
Q: I’m a 55-year-old man working as a lawyer. I’ve been single for a long time, and I’ve tried pretty much everything. Blind dates, bars, speed dating, dating apps; you name it, I’ve probably tried it. Nothing has worked so far, and I’m starting to lose hope. Is something wrong with me? Are my standards too high? The longer I’m single, the more pressure my family puts on me to find someone, and the more I start to feel it. Should I just give up altogether?
A: First off, don’t think that there is something wrong with you or that you’ll never find someone, as you may trap yourself in a self-fulfilling prophecy. A self-fulfilling prophecy is a psychological trap that people often find themselves in where they predict something and directly or indirectly end up causing it to happen, as you often reinforce your beliefs with subconscious behaviors and actions that end up fulfilling the prophecy. You need to keep trying and not lose hope, as that can be the greatest obstacle between you and the relationship that you want. Something that may help with that is considering what you want in a relationship and a significant other, perhaps even write it on paper. Listing the qualities you want helps you more easily look for and identify these qualities in others and helps you recognize when you find someone you may be interested in having a relationship with. Keep putting yourself out there, and stay hopeful and confident, and you will find the someone you’re looking for!
Q: My wife and I have conflicting work schedules. I have a long commute, so I stay at an apartment near my office a few days per week, and she travels a lot, often overseas. Since our kids went to college, we’ve both been spending more time at work so that they don’t end up with debt after they graduate. Although working more allows us to provide a better life for our kids, our relationship is suffering. We’re both 54 and have been married for 25 years, so it’s easy to get into a routine. How can we make more time for each other, or at least make the most of the time we have together?
A: This is definitely a situation that can only be resolved through communication with your significant other. I’d recommend sitting down with your wife and discussing your relationship worries. Further, you both need to try to set aside time for each other, whether that means staying up a little later at night, getting up earlier in the morning, or requesting time off from work at a specific time every week. This time for yourselves is necessary to maintain your relationship and keep both of you satisfied with it. Further, of the time that you both do get to yourselves, discuss making sure that you are focused on each other in those moments. Don’t be distracted by TV, phones, or anything else; just focus on enjoying each other’s company. As you said, you two have been married for 25 years, so listen and talk to each other, and rediscover the spark that began your relationship all those years ago.
Q: I have major insecurities about my body, and it’s affecting my ability to be confident in my relationships. I’ve never been overweight, but I’ve also never been skinny. As an average-sized woman in her late 30s, seeing how the “ideal woman” is portrayed in the media makes me feel unworthy, not to mention the fact that my fitness-obsessed mother regularly makes comments about my appearance. I desperately need to gain confidence in myself, but I don’t even know where to start. Do you have any tips?
A: The “ideal woman” is an idea that is pervasive in modern day society due to the media’s constant reinforcement of misogynistic cultural norms. That being said, this “ideal woman” doesn’t exist and isn’t actually representative of most women anywhere. I know it’s difficult to avoid this stereotype, as the media perpetuates it constantly, but you need to keep reminding yourself that you are beautiful despite what the media, your mother, or anyone says. To build up your own confidence, the first thing that must be done is to begin with yourself and focus on yourself. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, focus on what you think about your body and remind yourself that you are beautiful. Whatever your weight is, as long as you are healthy and comfortable with yourself, that is all that matters.