Today I was commentating for Perspective TV in New Haven and one of the topics was “When you are looking for a mate, do you choose “up” or “down”? I was struck by what I thought was an absurd question to begin with. First of all, people are not up or down. People are people. Period. We are all different. We all have strengths and we have weaknesses. People are not above us or below us. Ridiculous. But the panel chimed on. It was annoying. And there I was totally virtuous with my comments; meanwhile, it occurs to me on the way home that I play judge all the time. Yup! “ I like her, she’s savvy”, “I don’t like him, he doesn’t know what he’s doing”. And I realize that I do that a lot. I don’t mean anything by it; it’s just what we as human beings do. We judge. We decide. ….quickly. You are deciding right now whether I know what I am talking about. Well, as a matter of fact, I think I do. But that ‘s me. And my husband thinks so too. Phew!
What does this having to do with relationships? Everything…..because we are so quick to judge that unless someone has the “qualities “ we think that they should have to meet our criteria to be with them, we are quick to press the “delete” button STOP THAT!!!! What if you left after a first date and felt it only went “so, so”?
Would it really be a big deal to give the person a second chance? Don’t have another night to waste? Think again. People all want love. If you go on that second date you just might find that you didn’t waste your time at all, but just maybe the person was a little shy or even better, maybe awestruck by you and didn’t say all the right things.
Good thing you didn’t judge that second date. It may just be your future spouse.
I have attached a poem that I think might be a nice guideline for “choosing” a partner. There is no up or down here, just authentic and real.
It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. It doesn’t interest me how old you are, I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mind or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine and your own; if you can dance with the wilderness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be carerful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can live your life on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon.
It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done. It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn’t interest where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
Author unknown
